The idiot’s guide to making an elite Ghanaian Film

In the last decade Ghanaian cinema began to reestablish itself. A new crop of filmmakers began to spring up, making films that were vastly different from the kind of films that were made in the late 90s. With new gadgets, internet access and various platforms for content viewing, filmmakers began changing their style of storytelling and with that, audiences tastes began to change as well. A lot of critics have pointed out that many of the films did not tell the Ghanaian Story. This then begs the question, “What is the Ghanaian story?” How does one define what is inherently Ghanaian when colonialism has seeped deep into the mind of the typical Ghanaian? For those who have no idea what an ‘elite’ Ghanaian film is, here is a guide.

• Casting: It is paramount that you cast these actors in your films: Joselyn Dumas, Naa Ashokor Mensah-Doku, Yvonne Nelson, Zynel Zuh, Nadia Buari, Julliet Ibrahim and Jasmine Barouda. They are light skinned so it enhances the aesthetic value of your film. Like Nia Long said in Chris Rock’s 2009 film Good Hair “the lighter, the brighter, the better”. Also, Yvonne Okoro and Jackie Appiah must appear in the film, they are founding members of an eyelash syndicate and their appearance in your film enhances your chances of a huge female audience. Also for the men you must cast Chris Attoh, Adjetey Annang, also known as Pusher, John Dumelo, Van Vicker and Majid Michel Why? Because they are heart throbs. If you don’t cast them nobody will watch. For the much older women in their 50s and 60s you must cast Paulina Oduro, Kalsoum Sinare, Rama Brew and Anima Misa. They are more sophisticated than the regular middle aged Ghanaian woman. Forget Grace Nortey and Mame Dorkono. They’re too old and lack sophistication.
• Story: The stories must be about three sexy women (any 3 of the above mentioned will do) who are struggling with their love life, more like Mara Brock Akil’s Girlfriends and Being Mary Jane. More importantly, they should be friends whose love lives are intertwined somehow. Someone must sleep with someone else’s boyfriend. That’s where the drama is. Without that plot, there’s no story.
• Location: Just like in music videos, it’s extremely important where your film is shot. Your films must either be shot at one of the Villagio Villas or Trassaco houses. If you don’t have much funding you could try out Dream Courts in Osu or one of those upperclass apartments around Osu. You need to only show the plush places in Accra because the stories are about plush women. Additionally by doing so, you’re showing a foreign audience that Ghana has plush locations and that Africa isn’t all about poverty.
• Language: Your actors especially the women must speak in foreign accents and wear designer clothes and bags. They must shop at the Marina Mall or Accra Mall. If they meet for a lunch or dinner date it has to be at SOHO or Yasmina or at the restaurant of a plush hotel. If you have enough funding, please shoot a few scenes in London or the US. Showing that your cast can travel abroad means that you’re on a whole new level as a filmmaker. Also, it appeals to the new middle class.
• Sex and nudity: Ghanaian audiences are gradually opening up to love making scenes and filmmakers believe in ‘fearlessly telling the story’. Couples should make love in films for the sake of it. After all, sex cells. Lovemaking scenes must be quite vivid. We should see Majid Michel’s butt making an appearance, Jackie Appiah’s left nipple or Joselyn Dumas’ ample butt. You have no idea how aesthetically pleasing that is and how that’s going to sell your film. Leave nothing to the imagination. Additionally, the presence of Joselyn Dumas and Juliet Ibrahim is important because the size of their butts alone will appeal to the male demographic which will guarantee you a 100% ticket sale.
• B-roll: It is important that you chip in scenes of Accra, like a head porter breast feeding her baby or carrying a head pan, a coconut seller selling his coconuts or a hawker hawking phone credits. It shows how down to earth the director is. Sadly these people usually aren’t aware they’re being filmed. But that’s ok because they wouldn’t understand the film if they watched it anyway.
• Cameo: If possible, cast a ‘surprise person’, like KKD, Efya or KOD playing themselves. These people are A-list celebrities who have mass appeal. Additionally, the new middle class and upper class will greatly appreciate it.

Follow this guide and you’re sure to win numerous awards at the prestigious Ghana Movie Awards